EGMR Fun Awards 2015: Manliest Game
Thanks to equality and society’s move into an all-inclusive society, being man is really not all that it’s cracked out to be anymore. Where you once won the genetic lottery by being born with a white penis, now nobody really cares about your genitalia and privilege isn’t what it used to be. And you know what? Screw that! Us men need to stand together to preserve our ancient creed of MANLY. We need to band our beards together, lube up so that we can see each other’s glorious muscular figures and wage war on these attempts to stomp what it is to be a MAN. As a part of this we will give recognition to the games that made us feel like real men.
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For this prestigious award, which is honestly more important than Game of the Year, each game needs to succeed in making you proud to have XY chromosomes. These games need to encapsulate the feeling of being a true man in all of its facial hair, steroid infused, irrational glory. An overflow of testosterone and privilege are bonus points in the game’s favour. Let’s also not forget that they need to be MANLY in every sense of the word. I’m talking wrestling a tiger in a gym while getting a blowjob from seraphs manly. Let’s dive right in, fellas.
Bloodborne, if anything, is a test of your manliness. If you’re not running away like a little girl from the nightmare inducing monstrosities then you pass the test. Only inferior men run away from fat club-wielding motherfuckers and giant goddamn spiders. In actual fact, Bloodborne was designed to weed out the pansies among the great and gave us a real manly challenge. Also, besides having the longest and best beards out of all these games, the swords are also really, really big.
Like, impractically large…. Like “over-compensating for something” huge.
Rise of the Tomb Raider
Let’s get real here for a second, fellas. We men sometimes need to embrace our feminine sides once in a while. Rise of the Tomb Raider allows us to do that in the best possible way. You play a slender brunette that goes to an ancient civilization and steals all of their shit. She also kills a lot of men. A lot of men. Sometimes us men need to be reminded that our lives can be snuffed out by some British girl in the wilderness that has nothing but a piece of string on a piece of wood and some sharp sticks.
Humility is one of the most MANLY qualities a man can have.
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
Come on, you play a man who’s name is literally a euphemism for a penis. No, scratch that, you play as a man who has two names that are a euphemism for a penis. Snake, for obvious reasons, and Big Boss. There has to be a whole cruise ship worth of men that have nicknamed their members “Big Boss”, let’s be honest here. He also has a voice that sounds like he gargled glass infused gravel. Added to that, the man has the beard of a doomsday believer that locked himself in his fallout shelter. And let’s also not forget his incredible muscular body that your eyes can fully explore when he wears those tight little stealth suits of his. You can see every line of his toned body in full detail. If you look long enough you can imagine him holding you in a firm, but loving manner… So firm… So tight…
The Order 1886
The Victorian Era was a period of great social confusion. Your worth as a human being was judged on a number of variables such as your nobility and your gender. The richer your house, the better your life would be and everything revolved around class. If you were born a woman, you were expected to behave in a certain manner and your only real purpose was to bear and raise children and keep your husband happy. People were also subjected to arbitrary social norms that had to be adhered to in order to keep their sanctity and their reputation intact. While The Order 1886 did not delve into these complex topics, you could still see the preferences that males got within the society and the environments you found yourself in were a representation of what life was like during that era.
But they had killer mustaches. Good enough for me.
The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt
Dynamic beard growth. Okay, we’re done here.