A Preview Of Christmas 2014 — Ho Ho Hold Up
Over at the EGMR offices, among all the strange stains and sets of whips, we had a correspondence over what game to preview this week and came to the conclusion that there was absolutely nothing left to preview anymore besides remasters and DLC packs. So we decided, after a brief “discussion” featuring whip cream, that we will be stopping previews for the time being until next year. However, I’m a stubborn bastard and I want to fulfill our promise to provide you with a preview of some sort on this lovely Wednesday. So therefor, I am previewing Christmas, the most hyped event of the year. Will it live up to expectations?
Name: Christmas 2014
Multiplayer: Depends on how many crazy old relatives you have
Platforms: Pagan, Christian
Developers: Some dudes in ancient times that thought it was a good idea at the time
Release Date: 25 December 2014
Price: Way too damn much
Since Christmas has become a yearly release, you see more and more hype surrounding it each year. This year in particular the hype train started really early with shops putting out Christmas 2014 pre-orders and accessories out as early as October which is way too preemptive, seriously. There have been allegations that Christmas has not been receiving a lot of innovation within the franchise and remains largely the same with each new iteration. Fans of the series remain relatively unfazed by all of this and remain content with each year’s offering. But let’s look at what Christmas 2014 can offer us this year.
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The gameplay looks to be solid with multiple mini-games available for you to do. First, there is the traditional Family Brawl mode that challenges you to argue with your relatives for no particular reason and see how long you last before giving up and going to your room. Then there’s Gastric Resilience, a mini-game where you try and keep all of the food that you scoffed down without thinking about the consequences and bonus points will be allocated for the degree in which you hate yourself. Up next we have Gift Getter, where you have to pretend that you’re super excited about that pair of beige socks your Aunt Gertrude gave you and bonus points will be given if you manage to kiss her without gagging. There’s also a puzzle mode where you have to untangle Christmas lights and if you can do that, you’re a god.
Christmas 2014 will include the Nemesis System where you may become rivals with your annoying cousins and/or siblings and pull pranks on them in order to lower their power. This can range from gifting them Hustler magazines in front of their parents, putting coal in their socks , stealing the last bit of trifle and reading their Facebook posts aloud. Christmas Crackers will give you the ability to annoy them even further with all of the cheaply made crap that gets put in them such as the awful jokes that nobody laughs at and those tiny bouncing balls that make an ungodly amount of noise when bounced on a wooden floor.
In traditional games, eating food often replenishes your health. Something I didn’t always understand because how can a bag of popcorn cure the sniper bullet that just hit you in the chest? Christmas 2014 has gone with a different take on this trope and you now lose health whenever you eat food. This can be because your mother put way too much gravy on the roast or you accidentally scoffed down an entire plate of miniature pies. There’s also status effects that will be added such as poison, fatigue, diarrhea and hating yourself.
There will be many different versions of Christmas 2014 such as the Hanukkah Edition and the special Kwanzaa Collector’s Edition which we still don’t know what will be included.
Christmas 2014 will unfortunately include microtransactions in the form of resource packs that include headache and stomach pills, additional Christmas Crackers, chocolate that serves as last minute gifts and a ton of cosmetic items that will just sit in a box until next year anyway. This isn’t the first for the series, but they have been focusing on their monetization model more and more each year.
There will be some returning characters such as Santa Clause, who is still a white male with a big beard. With all of the controversies surrounding representation in gaming recently, you would think they might make a female Santa Clause for a change. The character has also been accused of being too sexist with him shouting “ho ho ho” all the time. However, he is still the same old lovable fat guy we know and love even if it’s still creepy that small children sits on his lap with such frequency.
The Christmas franchise has always been praised for its stellar soundtrack with big name singers lending their voice to create it. There hasn’t been much of a change in the range of songs available and some have been around for centuries, but they can still put you in a good mood if you allow them to. We just hope that no pop star is going to cover Silent Night and start twerking next to the manger. That might sound ridiculous, but this is the world we live in now.
Your mother-in-law is the final boss.
Suspected Selling Points
- Potential to get more games
- Good soundtrack
- Might be fun for the whole family
- Your relatives might buy you Pimp My Ride on a console you don’t own
- Family drama
- The food might accidentally kill you
- Tacky cosmetic items
- Too expensive
- Social network “debates” between atheists and Christians
Christmas 2014 is shaping up to be one of the biggest releases of this year. Only time will tell if it lives up to the hype. If you decide to get it, please make sure you pace yourself and stay away from your drunk uncle. Also, drive safe and come back to us safely. We need the views.