That’s What She Said: The Diary Of A Newbie Hearthstone Player
Preface: This is the first time I have ever played a card type playing game. I have never played World of Warcraft. Or DoTA (thought I would just throw it in there). I’m also fairly convinced that I cannot count properly.
Approximately Three Weeks Ago:
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- Jessica Jones Disempowers Its Male Characters And The Effect Is Refreshing | 2 months ago
- Hell Is 30 000 Deathclaws Tearing Through Boston And It’s Glorious | 2 months ago
- Sony Santa Monica Is Teasing Something Truly Strange | 2 months ago
[Insert random conversation, mostly with me complaining] Friend 1 (let us call him “B”): Deshni, I have been playing this game called Hearthstone. It’s a card playing game, played online.
Me: So like Magic, but more nerdy (or less depending on how you see it) because you don’t actually interact with real people?
Me: Wow you are a super nerd. Please don’t tell anyone that you are doing this unless you never want to have sex again in your life.
B: That is probably an accurate assessment of what the consequences of playing Hearthstone will be.
Approximately One Week Ago:
Strange things are happening on my Twitter and Facebook. I am seeing posts by Blizzard and gaming magazines about Hearthstone. About it being released for iPad soon. And saying positive things about Hearthstone; words like lots of fun, addictive, brilliant. What is going on here? Not seeing words like “if you never want to have sex again”. This is bizarre. What is happening to the world?
Approximately Three Days Ago:
Another strange thing on Twitter; Hearthstone is being released on iPad but initially only to three select regions (Canada, New Zealand and Australia). But why, do all the super nerds live there? I start becoming more and more intrigued by this strange game. Why are people so excited about this? Why are people so upset that it isn’t being released in their region? Why is it not being released in my region? MUST GET HEARTHSTONE NOW. The thought of people in Canada being able to play something on their iPad that I could not, was the last straw.
This is pretty. And I like the hues of all the blues on the hearthstone. Who is this Jaina person? What kind of a name even is that, and really, are we still not past female characters having to have breasts the size of my head? Nice voice though.
Okay, I think I am getting the hang of this. I have to complete these starting challenges. Why are all my opponents named “the Innkeeper”?
I’m winning all these things! This is so much fun. I must be super smart because for someone who has never played a card game before, I am doing fantastically well. Who says you need to buy cards? My cards are awesome and I am beating everything.
Wait. That was just the beginning? What do you mean I have to unlock the other characters? Jaina, you’re so pretty. I’m going to miss you.
Yes! I have sneakily snuck away from the bar (in the real life) and now I am at home and can play sort of drunk Hearthstone and unlock ALL the characters. This is the best Friday night ever. No I am not a super nerd.
Back to Jaina! Even with your useless hero power of a 1 damage fireball which costs 2 mana, I still love you. You are my favourite. And so funny.
What do you mean now I can play? What was I doing before? Dominating is what I was doing. Oh, play against real players. So the Innkeeper was not a real person? Damn.
Why am I losing? How is this possible? I am over level 10! That should mean I’m super adept at this. Where are these people getting their cards from? I don’t want to say cheating from things they found on the internet and apps which rank the cards, but that’s what I am thinking. I am probably the only person who is playing honestly and authentically. Oh well.
B: Are you still playing on your basic deck? You need a custom deck.
Me: Right. This explains why I am losing all the time. I knew there was a plausible reason.
How to make a custom deck… let’s pick the cards with the nice powers and names and creatures on them. And the engineers, they are so cute.
Okay this is not working. I am doing worse. Back to making a custom deck. I am pretty sure you need a strategy for this type of thing (and crafting cards, what even is that?) and that I do not possess enough cleverness for that. Absent of any logic, I am going to pick lots of taunts. I never understood ratios anyways.
Oh god I am still losing to everyone. Idea! I am going to tell one of my friends so get this and because I will have one more day of experience on him I will be better and then we can play against each other and I will beat him and I will feel victorious again!
Me: Friend 2 (let us call him “F”), you must download this game and then we can play against each other and it will be so much fun.
[A few hours later]
F: I am not sure I am nerdy enough to get into this game.
This is the best news for me ever, I now have someone who does not care enough about Hearthstone to properly play it which means that when I play against him, he will be useless.
[Later that night]
How is F beating me in every single game! What is going on here! Am I not smart or something? And I am pretty sure he doesn’t even know how to make a custom deck!
Me: Um, F I don’t want to play another game, I’m rather going to watch a pretentious movie by Lars von Trier instead…
I WON A GAME I WON A GAME I WON A GAME! This is the best feeling ever!
Oh, I lost about twenty games. Sigh. I have no self-worth. F all my Ls.
B: Let’s play some Hearthstone later.
Me: Okay! (oh god his character is probably a level 57 lovechild of a Mage and a Warrior)
After losing fifty (felt like fifty) times to B, and most times in really brutal finishes.
Me: This is so much fun! (this is so much not fun)
I wonder what I can do to make people play nicely with me… Maybe I can barter sexual favours so that people will only play basic cards. This is a really good idea. And there is a chat function here. Maybe I can actually win a game against B. Wait, what is happening in my head, that is prostitution. Only it’s worse because I’m not getting real money and this is for a not real online card playing game.
WHY AM I PLAYING A CARD PLAYING GAME? What has happened to my life.
Jaina? Where are you!