That’s What She Said: GTA V — Strippers And Selfies
I came late to the GTA party. GTA V is actually the first GTA I have ever played. I used to think that the games were immoral, misogynistic, racist and that they glamourised crime. I still think this. I also think that not many people are smart enough to see GTA V as an ironic critique on consumerism, excess and the elusive “American Dream”. Or maybe it actually isn’t and I’m just trying to justify my behaviour.
Unfortunately despite all of that, I can say with absolute certainty that I have never had so much fun playing a game before. So much fun. And because I have now decided that when I grow up I want to be gangster, GTA V is one of my most favourite things to talk about. And now write about. So these are my ten favourite things to do in GTA V when I’m not doing missions (I hardly ever do missions which is why my game completion is at 6%):
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- I go to strip clubs and try get as many girls as possible to dance for me before getting thrown out. I also now think that Fergie and Kelly Rowland have the best music for strippers to do private dances to and I think we should all petition the Grand, Teazers and Lollipop Lounge to adjust their playlists accordingly.
- I pick up prostitutes. As a female, I really do want to respect a prostitute for being a prostitute (she probably has children she needs to send to good schools and pay for things like school uniforms and food) and treat them well by not killing them. Prostitutes are damn picky though, I think it’s super romantic to take a prostitute to a strip club and get her to also dance for me with my stripper friends. The prostitutes don’t seem to agree though.
- I go to the cinema. If you haven’t been to a cinema in GTA V, this is something you really need to do. I have seen lots of messed up nouveau movies and the movies in GTA V seem to surpass those. Seriously, you sit in that movie house and wonder what exactly it is that is moving past your eyes.
- I walk around Vespucci Beach. People watching is fun, so is taking pictures of girls in bikinis. I promise I am not a voyeur.
- I like stealing fast cars and then going on long drives just for fun. On the highway, along the coast, up to the mountains and forest, it doesn’t really matter. Weaving between cars, listening to Kendrik Lamar on the radio. I don’t think life gets any better than this. What inevitably happens every time though is that I get to a point where I have no idea where I am or how to get back so I take a few selfies and then restart at my save point.
- I go to the observatory and I look at the city through the telescopes. One time though, I thought it would be fun to start shooting the people who were also visiting the observatory. This taught me the important life lesson that if you start shooting people in a public place, the police will come after you and lock you up. I use all my money on strippers and bail.
- I take walks in the forest and in the mountains. It’s nice to get away from the rat race that is Los Santos and take some time to think and prioritise. Always make money.
- I thought it would be a good idea to ride my motorcycle to the top of the mountain so that I could watch the sunrise (and take some pretty epic selfies). I thought this was a great idea but every time I have tried I have fallen off the mountain and wound up in a hospital.
- I go to petrol stations and blow them up. This is a lot of fun because I am not convinced that firing a bullet into a petrol trail will result in a magnificent explosion. And then when the fires have died down a bit, I take more selfies. Basically this is the only reason I am playing this game, to take selfies. I promise I am not a narcissist.
- I talk a walk or a drive down the aqueducts and beat up homeless people and wreck their stuff. This is probably the most immoral thing I do in the game. I’m a really bad person.
I love this game so much. I know I have to hand in my feminism card now. It might just be worth it.