Console Fanboys And Their Struggle With The War
Console fanboyism will always baffle me. I’ve given my reasons too many times before so I’m just going to sum it up now. It’s stupid, pointless and gains nothing but hostility. The people that swear at each other over which piece of hardware is better for literally no reason are tied on my humanity chart with lepers and people driving on obese scooters. But it seems that I have misjudged the severity of these console wars.
In a recent product showcase of the PS4, a man called Derick Dickelbuck was found dead next to a display stand that was running Knack. Apparently he stood there for 5 days without moving and eventually died of starvation. People were too afraid to approach him because he was wearing a steel helmet and brandishing a gun made out of Move controllers, so they just let him be. Found on his person was a leather bound diary with a bunch of Playstation symbols engraved into the cover. The diary has since been released to the public and it contains some shocking revelations. The most important one is the struggle that these fanboys have gone through. Following now is a few entries of Derick’s diary. It seems that a bunch of Sony fanboys were marching to a GameStop that promised a free copy of Killzone Shadow Fall for the people that camped outside.
- You’ll Be Able To Play (Expensive) PS2 Games On Your PS4 Now | 2 months ago
- Jessica Jones Disempowers Its Male Characters And The Effect Is Refreshing | 2 months ago
- Hell Is 30 000 Deathclaws Tearing Through Boston And It’s Glorious | 2 months ago
- Sony Santa Monica Is Teasing Something Truly Strange | 2 months ago
29 October – Day 13
The men are growing restless. None of them have unlocked a trophy in what feels like forever. Some even mutter that they miss the updates, God save their souls. The Xbots have been making advances to our front, but we managed to hold them off with a copy of The Last of Us, which drove them back to play Forza. QuickScoper420 and I have been talking more and more lately and we both feel like General Tretton should be awarded the medal of honor for his valiant display of heroism in the Skirmish Of Three E’s. I still remember that day when we claimed victory. The thunderous roar of the crowd, the Xbots retreating to their holes. It was wonderful. Kratos4Life just informed me we have to march on. I hope I will write soon again.
31 October – Day 15
We had to deal with a deserter today. He said, “I don’t know dudes, I’m really into NFL, you know, and I just think the Xbox One is better for me”. Some of the men pleaded with him, showing him videos of InFamous Second Son and promising that there will be a touchpad controlled sex game at one point or another. But we still lost him. I really hope that more men won’t move to the other side because of Xbox’s reversal strategy. That one really caught us off guard. We were all set to claim victory of the generation, but now it’s all “fair competition” and all. We also got raided by a Master Chief cosplayer last night, but thankfully XxXTastiBoyXxX already prepared a forum post weapon loaded with N4G rounds which drove him back.
5 November – Day 20
Killzoner578 asked me today why we couldn’t just take the bus to the GameStop so I told him that there is no honour in relying on public transportation. Our rations are growing thin thanks to one of the heavier soldiers hallucinating that our stockpile was a giant bag of Cheetos. The Xbots launched a full on attack yesterday with snap-to artillery strikes, but we retaliated by making fun of their TV features. But we had another traitor because of the TV feature because a soldier said he really loved The Price Is Right and claimed that PS+ couldn’t be sustainable. War drives people mad.
10 November – Day 25
Nearly at the end. We are so close to finally owning our consoles and not just blindly defending them everywhere we go. It would certainly be a relief. But I’m really not looking forward to the Great Battle of Sales Figures that looms over the horizon. Hopefully our beloved console will lead us to victory. We just stopped at a PS4 barracks station. Hopefully having the controllers in their hands will boost the morale of the men. Oh, there’s a kiosk with Knack running that just opened. I think I will just give it a quick go…
And that was the tragic story of one brave soldier fighting the good fight during the Console Wars of The Next Gen. May he rest in peace and may his trophy score live on forever. Here’s hoping that he is watching when the new Uncharted title gets announced.