Peaception: The Gamer Agony Aunt
In my opinion gamers need an agony aunt who will listen to your problems and provide good professional advice backed up with years of experience. Well since we don’t have that you will just have to settle for me. So like every agony aunt I need a name to go by and I shall be known as Dr Shitaway because I take your shit away, okay wait that sounds like a tagline for a laxative. Okay I will just stick to Gamer Agony Aunt and below we have problems that some of you gamers might face and my “expert” advice.
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Mike writes: “I’ve been dating my awesome girlfriend for 5 years now and everything is okay between us until I start gaming. When I do get a moment to myself and start to game she complains that we don’t spend enough time together and I should game less. I want my relationship to work but I also don’t want to lose out on my gaming, please help.”
Mike you came to the right place and I have the perfect solution for you, drug her. Drugging someone is not that bad if done in a home environment by someone you love. At the start of the weekend ply her with a couple of glasses of wine laced with “roofies”. After she has passed out you can play as much as you want, when she wakes up you will tell her how great of a time you had and how you should do it more often. Repeat this whenever the occasion calls for it but be warned after some time she might think she has a drinking problem which causes her to black out when she spends time with you. When she checks herself into rehab you will get even more time to game but remember to visit her now and again to keep the spark alive.
Jennifer writes: “I’m struggling to keep up with my school assignments and gaming, at the rate I’m going I will have to stop gaming for a while and focus on my academic career. How do I find a balance so I won’t have to sacrifice my gaming?”
Jennifer the only sacrifice I believe in involves a goat with a naked and well-oiled Henry Cavill but that’s another story. There is no need to sacrifice anything my dear, it’s time you familiarize yourself with ghost writers. Ghost writers are used in music, politics, well any form of industry you can think so why not use that to your advantage. There are a lot of academics struggling to find a job and I’m sure in your circle of friends and family you might find such a person preferably with no morals who is eager for payment. Use that person to ghost write your assignments, granted you will be screwed come exam time but won’t it be worth it for all those carefree times when you didn’t have to worry about doing your assignments and all you had to worry about was when your last checkpoint was.
Dan writes: “I blew my food budget for the month on game per-orders, now I only have 2 options: 2 minute noodles or cannibalism, which would you choose?”
I would choose the option that would not lead me to prison thus becoming someone’s bum cushion. I have a simpler solution make up a list of friends and relatives that live near you and draw up a time table of who you will visit on Monday throughout to Sunday. The key is always to ‘pop’ by during dinner time and make sure you carry a Tupperware for those leftovers. Also remember to rotate; you cannot go to the same place twice in a week, that’s what the timetable is for. DO NOT under any circumstances leave right after dinner, talk some more, better they think you lonely and annoying rather than broke and annoying if you catch my drift. This method should help you for the month and always make sure those friends and relatives don’t see you receiving any gaming packages otherwise it will lead to, “Dan you spend too much money on games”.
Melissa writes: “I’m a desperate teenager nearing the end of my rope. My parents always make me babysit my 3 yr. old brother when I’m about to game, it’s becoming an annoying habit and I don’t know what to do.”
I was once young living under the rule of my parents, I can relate to your frustration. I have an easy solution for you that will make babysitting less of a hassle. Children are like pets so you should treat them as such. As soon as your parents leave lock your little brother in a room preferably with no sharp objects but with lots of food and water and leave him be. When you need a break from a hard level use a leash and let him roam in the back yard in an enclosed space, of course while you clean up the poo and pee he would have probably left in the other room. I’m sure that’s how the cavemen did it back in the day and civilization has turned out pretty okay I think.
Anonymous writes: “I borrowed a game from my friend and never returned it. My friend has now forgotten he lent me the game and thinks he has misplaced it. I’ve been wrecked with guilt and I don’t know how to return the game without looking inconsiderate.”
It’s a good thing you hid your identity because that’s a shameful thing you did. I consider people who don’t return games the scum of the earth and that’s even an insult to scum. Don’t worry, this is a judge free zone. I only offer support and advice even though my mind boggles at why it is a hassle to return a game, at times you would think it was like returning the ring to Mount Doom. The best thing is bring the game when you go out with your friend and when your friend is distracted, leave it under their car seat. When your friend is dropping you off at home drop your phone underneath the seat and come out with the game. You will end up looking like the hero even though in truth you are the villain.
Well I hope my advice shall help my fellow gamers out there and remember there is nothing I can’t find a solution for because remember, this Gaming Agony Aunt will take your shit away… and it still sounds like a laxative tagline.