A Gamer’s Perspective: Waiting For GTA
If you’re reading this column, then statistically speaking you’re either a PC gamer,
clinically insane a console gamer who doesn’t own GTA V, or Cavie. That’s because Cavie has to edit my column, and the rest of us are alone in a world where, in case you haven’t guessed it, the rest of the human population is off playing Grand Theft Auto’s latest instalment.
It’s probably fair to say that Rockstar’s latest release was something of a focus of attention during the past week, with even our very own noble eGamer staff taking time off their hooker-massacring binges to make sure we would be constantly reminded of the fact that we still don’t have the game. We can hardly blame them for their enthusiasm, and there’s certainly no harm in being kept in the loop, but I’m sure you’ll agree that that doesn’t in any way prevent us from hating them out of jealousy. Even when we indulge that hatred, however, it doesn’t seem to be enough fill the emptiness we feel after watching Conan attempt to blow up a strip club.
With my exams drawing to a close last week, the question of how on earth one goes about filling up that emptiness has consumed much of the free time I’ve had since then. I’m not about to say that I’ve got definitive answers for how we as the Master Race can survive this time of trial, but I’ll be damned if I haven’t tried.
Odds are that we all started off pretty similarly. “GTA V released today?” we scoff, so puffed up on our hubris. “That’s cute. I suppose I’ll get to it eventually, but for now I’m taking some time off to work on my backlog.”
And so work on our backlogs we do. Me, I started with Metro 2033, throwing it onto Ranger Hardcore mode because it sounded synonymous with how badass I was feeling at the time. Six hours in, I’m stranded on the surface with nothing but half an air filter and one of those crazy-ass flying demons for company. Screw that though, right? The apocalypse is for pussies. Real men fight dragons. That’s what I thought too, until I had the intense misfortune of trying to tackle Alduin after a speedrun of the Skyrim campaign. My papery level fifteen mage wasn’t able to even tickle his health bar. Hacker.
Presented with the kind of obstacles one starts to face, it’s not unconscionable that certain thoughts – like, maybe that demon would be easier to kill with an RPG, or I’m sure Alduin would sneeze once or twice at an attack helicopter – start to enter your head. What is unconscionable is entertaining the idea that we need GTA V to be happy. GTA needs us!
Intent on proving just how independent I was, I decided to take to the internets and planned to dive right into the thick of the most heated GTA-related debates, because I sure as hell don’t need to play a game to be able to shout at people over the internet about how wrong they are about it. My fingers were itching in particular to tear apart this rabid feminist reviewer from Gamespot we’ve all heard so much about… then, I actually read the damn review. Turns out the internet was having a freaking hernia because of two throwaway paragraphs at the end of one of the most classy online reviews I’ve read in a while.
[Quick aside: When exactly did furthering the ‘feminist agenda’ become a crime? As far as I understand it, feminism is a movement what aims to place women on an equal social footing with men. That sounds like a pretty freaking legitimate agenda to me, to be honest.]
Right, so, the whole opinionated paragon thing didn’t work out too well. You know what, though? Win some, lose some. “Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
That’s Teddy Roosevelt, bitch.
I’ll be honest, here: despite the uplifting influence of BrainyQuotes.com, I was feeling pretty down. Not only that, but I was still feeling empty, with that awful feeling that it was because there was a serious lack of gangsterish badassery in my life. Knowing that I was fated not to find it in GTA V, I resigned myself to that insatiable wanderlust of the internet, doomed to forever hit the refresh button on the Reddit front page and be constantly reminded of how much GTA I was missing, in increasingly witty and interesting posts.
Then, I found it.
The very definition of ‘swaggity’.
Knowing that the only thing that could ever bring me the kind of satisfaction I needed now that GTA V existed was something at least as thug, gangster and badass, that is exactly what the internet brought me to.
Damn freaking straight, you read that right. Damn freaking straight I’m talking about a modded emulation of FireRed that lets you play online with thousands of other people who aren’t playing GTA V, but don’t give a single care, because they’re too busy flushing out the shinies of Pokeland instead.
Sure, maybe you can parachute off a mountain in GTA V, but PokeMMO lets you hop over medium-sized ledges to avoid the tall grass concealing the bloodthirsty, buck-toothed Rattatas and string-shooting Caterpoodles (Caterpies?) within. Anyone can fly a plane across Los Santos, but it takes a proper kind of badass to traverse the skies of the Kanto Region on the back of a jacked-up mutant eagle that you personally, indirectly fought into submission. Grand Theft may let you play as bat-ass crazy Trevor, but I think we can all agree that if we’re talking about stone cold killers, Squirtle comes out tops every time.
By now, I’m almost entirely convinced that I’m sacrificing my sanity by holding out for a PC release of GTA V. If you’re struggling with the wait too, hopefully you can take solace in the knowledge that you’re not alone. And catch a Dragonair while you’re at it. At the end of the day (year, more likely), though, it will all be worth it.
For even though there’s no official release date for a PC edition of GTA V just yet, Rockstar will surely deliver.