Rampant Fanboys Actually Find Some Worth
Console wars have always baffled me. Why would you want to belittle and aggressively attack a console that you won’t even buy? Why take time out of your day to furiously “debate” why a console that you’re not even going to consider buying is worse than the one you’re actually buying. It’s like going to a sex shop and then screaming at the cashier why you don’t want to buy a buttplug and giving a 3 hour long monologue highlighting all the various reasons why not. Nobody asked you in the first place and absolutely nobody forced you to go into the sex shop either. It’s a practice that I see as completely pointless and absolutely nothing good can come from it. Until now that is.
A scientist in northern Norway by the name of Romulus Blitsbolt has made a device that can generate high volumes of electricity if it is being fed with angry internet comments and pure unfiltered hate. Another catch to this device is that it responds exclusively to fanboy rage posts. Blitsbolt gave a reason for this: “I own a Xbox 360 and a PS3 and I’ve seen the plethora of fanboy wars raging on the internet. What drew me to use this concept is the promise of a sustainable supply feed because these bastards just do not let up. I tried going with Nazi comments on YouTube, but they run the risk of turning into religious arguments and breaking the feed.”
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With this revolutionary invention, fanboys are now encouraged to go at each other’s throats more than ever because it might contribute to a greener and more vibrant world for people to live in. The UN is backing this groundbreaking invention by providing websites that can act as text filled power stations. There are four of these websites present: xboxrules.com, playstationrocks.co.uk, pcgamingissomuchbetter.aus and thewiiuisatotallyrelaventnextgenconsoleokay.uni
Within these four main sites, there has been an estimated ten million posts per hour and that’s enough to power the entirety of Asia. The scientists are conversing with console manufacturers to provide their respective fanbases with more ammo against the competition. This can be done by highlighting almost completely irrelevant features to their consoles such as a power brick and the plastic wrap that is used to house the HDMI cables. All in the name of sustainable energy.
We have reached out for a comment by one of the contributors of this worldwide phenomenon over at the Xbox Rules site. The following is a quote from Barry Bertrude, a NeoGAF member and Playstation fan: “Wat? teh ps quadruple rocks bro. wats dis bout electracity? xbox needs power brick bro. we have AALLL the elctracity. Jack Tretton 4 life yo. xbox suckks dude. get ps4.” Truly moving stuff from a member of such a momentous evolution in humankind.
The UN have been successful in containing the fanboy rage posts to the four main websites, but it does warn the general populace with an IQ higher than 45 to exercise caution when trying to access these sites. The effects may include: loss of brain cells, uncontrollable rage, general frustration, loss of faith, complete hatred of what humankind has become, fatal facepalms, smashed keyboards, punching monitors and throwing of domestic animals.
With the imminent arrival of next-gen consoles, the scientists expect to see an enormous gain in power output. They have even convinced Microsoft to ship faulty units of the Xbox One that causes a Red Ring of Death in an attempt to generate enough power to communicate with the galaxy of Circinus. Nintendo have also been convinced to not release more games for the Wii U in exchange for 10 billion dollars and a gold statue of Luigi.
Truly a remarkable change of climate for our planet and can spell the coming of the new age. Do not worry that those vital fanboys will read this article and then know that they are just brainless electricity generating hamsters because there was a word with more than two syllables in the first paragraph and that’s basically their kryptonite.
In case some of them slipped through the cracks and only read the final sentence I will now give my contribution to the wellbeing of this planet.
Xbox One is so much better than the PS4, bro.