Publisher Executives Try And Make Their Own Game
Gaming executives have always freaked me out a little bit. I keep picturing a rich bastard in a gold laced suit driving their Mercedes to the office and just making regal gestures at the emotionally dead subordinates they control. I also expect them to have absolutely no goddamn idea about what gaming is. Like they haven’t even picked up a game controller in their life and just landed the job of a gaming executive after reading about it in a paper and having another spoonful of baby seal brains. But it seems I have been mistaken.
After recent events where people started questioning the validity of their positions, the top executives at numerous game publishers decided to quell all the angry internet voices by making their own game. The plan came to light after an announcement by Jerry Arsephuk, lead executive at VeryFun Games: “We are making our own game just to prove to people that we do know about these videogame things. It can’t be that hard can it? Isn’t it all about shooting stuff? I saw that somewhere on Fox News and I firmly think that’s a credible source. Fuck it, let’s give it a go.”
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Various executives from all across the gaming spectrum have agreed to be a part of this momentous project. Their first meeting started off a little shaky with all of them sitting there staring at each other and waiting for someone to make the first move. As the procession went on there was a man from EA running across the table and screaming “HOW ARE WE GOING TO MAKE MORE MONEY” over and over while holding a lolipop and pissing himself. After security gave him his diamond studded rattle, one of the executives made a move. He stood up and said: “I got it! Now listen to this shit dudes…”
What followed was hours of brainstorming and intimate ideas being spurted out all over the boardroom table. And then they got their first design document. It goes like this:
You play a man called Steve Gates and you’re on a quest to get as much money as you can in order to buy all the houses and stocks. You do this by shooting minorities in the face with legally owned weapons. You work for an organization that can do no wrong and have rigorously crafted suits made out of the finest fabrics. As the game proceeds, you will have to face difficult decisions such as which insurance to take out and how many cars you are going to buy. There will be romance options in the game, but all the woman should be intensely sexualized to ensure maximum marketing potential (Hey, the marketing strategies are going to be discussed soon let’s focus on the game first. Love, Dave) There are numerous side-quests in the game such as getting a 401k plan, ignoring your children, shunning beggars and banging secretaries.
And that concludes the game proposal. It thankfully does not have to go through approval because, as Senior Executive Ralph “Merc Daddy” Pincildick stated, “we already run this shit, yo”. Mr. Pincildick has been very preoccupied with trying to impress his delinquent son so the board apologizes for his rash statements.
They plan to give the game the development time of 3 months and plan to release 16 DLC packs for a premium that are already on the disk. It also includes an Online Pass even though the only online interaction is poking someone on your friendslist because they heard “it’s all the rage right now”. The game would have to be connected to the internet at all times otherwise the disk will be considered obsolete and can never be used again. The reasons for this is unclear. The game box also has a detector that senses when the game is being sold second-hand and will violently explode into shrapnel if it is sold. The game will be priced at $150 for the Poor Man’s edition that only includes the disk and nothing else. “Because reasons” as Senior Sales Executive Producer CFO Rumple Backskin states.
Expect it soon. Be ready.