EA Employee Finds A Soul
EA have been infamous for their rather “questionable” business practices over the years. They have received numerous awards for their efforts though such as the worst company in the United States and a plaque signifying their obedience to Satan. From Online Passes to microtransactions, EA have always been in the gaming spotlight as one of the most morally questionable powers in the gaming industry. We have not really seen any EA employees other than the various spokespersons such as Peter Moore who still regrets that goddamn GTA IV tattoo. But what about the employees? The grunts of the multi-billion dollar corporation? Here is a story of one of them. It’s not suited for emotionally sensitive readers so if you are one of them, would you kindly burn your monitor?
An EA employee by the name of Jay Hopkins has recently made public headlines when he quit his job as a senior executive. He has been employed by EA for 7 years since the age of 16 and it is the only life he has ever known according to him. We here at eGamer, the journalistic powerhouses that we are, have secured an exclusive interview with Jay dealing with his time at EA and why he decided to quit. What follows is both shocking and heroic so hold on to your tassels.
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Marko The All Powerful: So tell us how you initially got employed by EA
Jay: After killing a neighbor’s dog back in 2005, I was sitting in a courtroom awaiting trial for animal cruelty. I expected to just get sent to juvie because that’s what usually happens, but when the sentence was supposed to be read out, the judge told everybody to leave the room at once. After the courtroom was completely cleared out, a couple of men in suits and shades entered the room and started talking to me. They said that they liked the fact that I was morally bankrupt and they would like to offer me a position at EA as an intern. Being in the position that I was, I thought it was a pretty good deal so I agreed. They then proceeded to blindfold me and club me with a baby seal until I was unconscious. I woke up at a desk with my hair shaved off and a dollar sign tattooed on my left butcheek. It just went on from there.
The Grand Puba Marko: What sort of training did you receive?
The first round of training I received is kind of murky in my memory. They strapped me to a chair and placed me in front of a monitor that showed vivid images of decapitated babies and rotting puppies. If I can recall correctly it lasted for 2 days straight. The second training exercise had me going into an empty room with an old woman and her mentally disabled grandson. They first gave me a backstory of the old lady through a PA system. She was homeless and could not afford her arthritis medication that led to her being in constant severe pain. Her children have both killed themselves and she was now stuck with caring for her mentally disabled grandson. They then told me to take the loose change in her purse and punch the grandson. I resisted at first, but they threatened to take away my food and throw me into a freezer so I did it.
There were also numerous physical exercises that I had to do. One of them involved lifting a pair of money bags and shouting “Yeah baby, cash money” after every rep. I also had to run on a treadmill that had a $100 bill dangling in front of it on a piece of string.
The Chosen One Named Marko: What were your work conditions like?
I had an office that was around 3×3 meters with concrete walls and floor. It was completely grey and devoid of any colour. Everything in the room was grey. Even my coloured pens were grey. I could not have any personal things inside the office, but I once carved “Jay was here” into the desk. When the superiors found out that I did that, they took me into an empty room and started whipping me with whips made out of $20 bills. They then threw me into another empty room where I had to repeat the phrase “I have no life” 20 000 times before being allowed out.
Our Great Leader Marko: Didn’t you have a home that you could go back to after a day’s work?
No. I had to sleep on a concrete slab and crap in a singular hole in the ground. There were a pair of speakers in my room, but it only played various money sounds. I have heard the noise “chaching” so many times that it is engraved into my subconscious.
Markonus Maximus: Describe your average work day
I would wake up at 3:00 am in the morning, get fed with vitamin supplements and then get thrown by buckets of steaming hot water. I would then sit at my office and get instructions through my monitor. It would usually be something like “make up a way to get us more money”, “how can we trick our customers”, “make a proposal to make Online Passes seem like a feature” or “write a press release saying that mobile gamers expect microtransactions”. I would then proceed to work until 2:00 am and then get thrown with money. But with no way to spend it, I just used it as toilet paper.
Marko The Adept: How did you manage to quit after 7 years of this?
After a while this process became my reality. It was the only thing I knew and I didn’t know there was an outside world. One day, as I was being led to my office I noticed a door was open. I suspect it was from a negligent guard or something. When I glanced over, I saw a glimpse of a flower growing out of the pavement. It was the first colour I’ve seen for 7 years. After that I just fantasized about the outside world and started remembering my previous life more and more even though I was brainwashed. Then one day I decided to make a break for it. I thought I was going to be shot down or something, but I just walked out. Turns out I wasn’t obligated to stay there at all. Who could have known.
I now see the beauty of the world. All the things I took for granted are now bastions of hope. I think I’m starting to get my soul back.
Markon: So there were no repercussions?
None at all. I did hear that if you leave EA then you will be assassinated because you know too much, but I doubt that will happen. Now here is a big scoop for you. EA is secretly grinding up unicorns for materials to make their instruction bookle—
The interview ended after his brains dripped from my legs. Sniper bullet to the head. What can you do. Riveting stuff from such a damaged individual. He had a note in his hand that contained this:
“Your game disks are made with lost orphan children souls. And stop buying resource packs for fuck sakes.”