Cheating 101 — Courtesy Of Vincent Brooks
Catherine is an ingenious puzzle game which most people play, I would imagine, more for the pseudo anime porn than the actual puzzles. Now pseudo anime porn is obviously something that is readily available, so it’s natural to ask why a person would torture themselves with a frustratingly difficult puzzle game just for that. Well the answer is context, and that is something Catherine excels at. The game’s protagonist is a somewhat good for nothing run of the mill average type of guy, Vincent Brooks. Not astoundingly (and I can attest to this) he manages to capture the attention of successful, independent and career-driven Katherine, who he has been with for about five years. Personally, Katherine is not my type (too whiny and too demanding) but she and Vincent seem to meander along quite happily until Katherine decides that she needs more commitment from him.
Vincent understandably (because females are led to believe that all men have commitment issues) very nearly runs for the hills and while contemplating his bleak future (marriage is apparently a very bleak prospect) over a whiskey at his local watering hole, we are introduced to Catherine, the femme fatale of this tale. Catherine is young, blonde and perky and non-commitment seems to be her middle name (by the way, Catherine is also not my type; her voice is far too high pitched, I don’t appreciate the lack of syntax, proper spelling and grammar in her text messages and she is really clingy and a bit psychopath). Before Vincent realises what is going on, he wakes up in his bed with a sultry doe-eyed Catherine next to him who is ready for round 2 (or round 10).
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What then happens is an interesting dance by Vincent of how to effectively manage the Catherines/Katherines in his life without the other one finding out. Now personally, never having been in Vincent’s position (it’s difficult enough for me to find one boy who loves me, let alone two at the same time) I found it quite enlightening to realise what a logistical nightmare it is managing an affair and I discovered quite a few do’s and don’ts learning from Vincent’s turmoil. And so, also for your education here is a guide to Cheating 101 comprised of things I learnt from the wonderful Vincent Brooks.
- If you want to bring a girl back to your place, ensure that you live alone (i.e. not with your girlfriend) and that your girlfriend does not have keys to your apartment.
- It should be relatively easy to pick up girls in a bar. Do not do this however at your local watering hole where you will be met with scorn from your friends and patrons who know you.
- Commit to the affair. If you want to cheat, then you should have some resolve about it. Inner turmoil and bitching like a little girl after each indiscretion is really unattractive.
- Do not cheat with a psychopath. I can assure that most girls are and so in an ideal world, your mistress should be someone who actually knows you have a girlfriend.
- Leading on from the point above, if you get that right it will help a great deal with all the logistical issues and the lying if you are only lying to one person.
- If your girlfriend is pregnant, cheating is a dick move. Having a baby with someone is not an obligation to love them/date them so if you want out, get out.
- And on the topic of your girlfriend, if you are cheating, paranoia that she is cheating is irrational.
- If you do come to the conclusion that cheating is bad and you want to stop, good for you. It doesn’t necessarily mean however that you should run back into the arms of your girlfriend.
- Cheating is generally symptomatic of some other issue. Learn to sort your shit out.
- Do not keep images or text messages on your phone. This is how people get caught out. Also only looking at pictures when you are in a bathroom by yourself is dodge.
- Try keep things drama free. A situation where your mistress tries to stab your girlfriend and ends up dead instead, is not good.
- And lastly, dream sex is fun but real sex is better. If you are going to go through the effort of cheating, make sure it is with a real girl and not a seducing demon you made up.
Apparently Vincent and Katherine wound up with their happily ever after, but to be honest Katherine was far too demanding and controlling for my likes. And also, that dangly belt thing she was wearing, so 1993. So kids take some tips from Vincent and try keep it as drama free as possible. Happy cheating!