The Zombie Apocalypse – Practical Considerations
Not surprisingly, I have had a lot of zombie overload over the past few months. It can all be laid at the door of The Walking Dead as I have played the game, watched all the series and started reading the comics. All of that has made me think very seriously about the for certain impending zombie apocalypse and truth be told, it may already be upon us if one has regard to the university confession pages which go no small way to instilling hope that our youth are anything but brain-dead.
I live up in Johannesburg and my immediate family is in Durban. I had a small cry (okay a big cry) when I confessed to my sister that seeing as we live apart, when the zombies start marching I will not be with them and probably never be able to find them if we all survived. My sister then added that Roark would in all likelihood get bitten by a zombie and turn into a zombie direwolf and eat me. I can’t be sure if the fact that my beloved cat would turn into a zombie or the fact that he would eat me, upset me more. My sister and I decided, subsequent to this very emotional (for me) conversation that we needed to start preparation in earnest.
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Like every good girl who moves out on her own, my daddy gave me a toolbox. I have a decent supply of wrenches, screw drivers and hammers. All of these are effective for causing zombie head trauma. Having lived through many The Walking Dead marathons, the question of skull density has always perplexed me. I have never bashed someone’s head in with a screw driver before and I am not sure if skull bone is more fragile than normal bone. I know that when I fall off a horse and fly head first into a jump or the ground that my helmet probably saves me but I don’t know if that means without it my skull would fracture or I would just have muddled brains. If skull bone however is as dense as normal bone then I also need to start focussing on upper body strength at gym and to use my core to stab at zombie heads.
A decent supply of screw drivers will not get me too far though and so I decided that I needed to start investing in alternative weapon sources. I quite fancy myself as a samurai (too much anime watching methinks) so I thought a katana would be a good idea (they are also quieter than guns and so preferable for zombie killing) and they also seem to sell them on Bid or Buy. The aesthetic quality of mounting a katana in my lounge also factored in here. So I figured that I would at some stage be all set with my weapon preparations and I’m sure that I could use a Victorinox knife sharpener to keep my katana in prime zombie killing condition.
It was then a question of food provisions. I didn’t focus on this too much because (1) it would be amazing to lose 15kgs and (2) if I needed to eat I have ample supply of melba toast, bottled pasta sauce, olives stuffed with feta, tomato sauce, cous cous, crackers, dry pasta and rice. And lots of baby hake for Roark.
The next step was to fortify my position and it was then that I realised that if any population group would survive the zombie apocalypse, it would be South Africans. I love South African people (no bias here), they smile, help me with my luggage and hold doors open for me. And although they seem to have an unwavering capacity for hope and survival, the area we really succeed in is crime paranoia. See the majority of South Africans I know are so legitimately terrified of being murdered in their beds that we spend a large part of our lives behind high walls. Yes, very high walls with barbed wire. Electric fencing which is backed up on batteries. Very heavy gates. Most things connected to a generator (we can thank Eskom for that innovation). CCTV. Which sounds really great for a zombie apocalypse because we basically live in prisons with Coricraft couches.
I live in a high walled complex which means that all I have to do is sit tight, eat my way through the tomato sauce, stab zombies through the gate and only leave for Glenn related provision runs. So I think that maybe I won’t be eaten right off the bat and my only main concern will be keeping Roark indoors because he will probably think zombies are a stupid type of hadeda. We, as South Africans, have a lot to be grateful for I think because when we are the country that takes over the world (because we will have the largest number of survivors) we can thank our shocking crime levels for the insane property fortifications we have. So next time you think about maybe emigrating, just remember who is going to survive the zombies.