Microsoft Planning Kinect-Only Hobo Simulator
Microsoft has had a very intimate and almost sexual relationship with its Kinect peripheral ever since they released it. We have witnessed it at their numerous events where they they tried to plug the thing so hard that it actually emitted a smoke that smelled like desperation and denial. Kinect has an extremely niche audience if you think about it. Really only children, fit and attractive people, people with an unreasonable amount of friends and bored American families enjoy the Kinect and hardcore gamers see it as a piece of dog shit that has been marinated in raw sewage and rancid piss.
Microsoft seem to have the uncanny ability of not noticing the contempt for Kinect at all and still try to convince people that it’s the future of gaming. But this time, they heard the outcries of thousands of N4G trolls and NeoGAF members and decided to make a game catered to the hardcore market. It’s a simulation game that deals with the day to day life of a hobo. That might sound like a ridiculous proposition, but Microsoft has proclaimed that it’s a very symbolic game about the criticisms they have received from hardcore gamers. It’s meant to exemplify the desires and wishes that hardcore gamers want from the device.
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The hobo simulator is aptly named “TrashCan Adventures” and aims to deliver a message from Microsoft to the hardcore market. It features a down on his luck hobo named William that never amounted to anything and his parents abandoned him after calling him a “worthless sack of filth”. Microsoft are really trying to give a complex narrative to their ingenious idea by introducing a lot of emotion and struggle fused together with a mass quantity of polygons. The story is only one strong aspect to the game and the gameplay also has an extremely strong focus.
Players will be able to, amongst other things, just sit there doing nothing and being worthless. Authenticity is very important in this game. Players will not be able to customize William and he will only be clothed with a crappy overcoat, sweatpants and a pair of crocs. Microsoft stated a reason for this: “Hardcore gamers are not trendy or good looking like our other Kinect users are so we are taking away their ability to look good.” There was also an off the record mumble made after the comment that fellow journalist Ricard Buttland heard where a Microsoft executive saying quote “Seriously, fuck em, those ugly acne infested bastards.” Strong stuff.
But enough about that let’s talk features. Here are some of the things you will be able to do:
- Sit around.
- Rummage through trash.
- Flick your snot.
- Make crude remarks to pedestrians.
- Sniff paint.
- Use meth.
- Flirt with dogs.
- Drill holes in your hands.
- Slap yourself.
- Make fart noises.
- Randomly say “the end is near”.
Microsoft are really trying to connect to the hardcore gaming crowd by making this game that tells them exactly what they think about them. It’s a risky move, but I believe it’s going to turn out rather well for them. There’s no dancing, running around, awkwardly hitting the air or looking like a rocket scientist. There is already an expansion planned called WaterCooler Nights that gives William a romantic interest in the form of a water cooler with a lipstick smudge on it. More details will arise when Microsoft finally gets its head out of its arse.