Come one, come all!
Welcome to our very first theatre performance starring your beloved gaming folk; each one of them delivering a splendid, unique and exciting act throughout the course of the evening!
We cannot guarantee any surviving audience members in the front row, isle, back row, balcony and in any of the various restrooms.
We provide a free pair of safety glasses taped under every comfortable seat in the audience to shield those precious eyes from any residual splatter, debris and vital organs. Two large red lights in each of the front corners will shine brightly to notify the audience when to commence and make use of these apparatus’s. If there appears to be technical difficulties, please refer to the contents of the program for any needed indication as to the exact moments when these glasses will be needed.
Refreshments may be bought before the show and during the fifteen minute break. We wholeheartedly suggest that you buy these snacks before the show as we’d like to make as much profit from you while you’re still alive and breathing. Our estimates in terms of profits are not looking well when taking into account the exact time of the aforementioned break and the potential amount of folk still with us.
Please take you seats and enjoy the show. (Any ringing cell phones shall be deposited into the jaws of an industrial press.)
Act 1 – Raiden
Our first act for the evening shall be of Raiden eviscerating any and all objects thrown at him with superb precision.
Objects include: Watermelons, cars, helicopters, soldiers and the occasional piece of industrial piping.
Audience members in the front row shall have the top-halves of their heads sliced off by Raiden, if they so desire.
Act 2 – Naruto
Entering the stage from the left is our very own Naruto Uzumaki.
He will enlighten us by angst-y talk about his past and best friends while eating continuously for 25 minutes.
After the show, he’ll be available for autographs, punching you in the face or ribcage and if you feel the need to be screamed at.
Act 3 – Nathan Drake
Nathan Drake shall entrance us with his physique while hanging from the front of the stage. After becoming so used to hanging from ledges and various historical grounds while being fired upon, Nathan will hang from one hand, holding a handgun up with the other while gibbering: “Oh, crap!” to himself for the good part of 30 minutes.
Act 4 – War And Death (Yoga Section)
Darksiders is the proud sponsor of tonight’s yoga segment.
War and Death will intrigue and mesmerize the audience with eloquent and peaceful yoga movements with classical music humming in the background.
Act 5 – John Marston
Joining us for the evening’s psychological portion will be none other than John Marston.
Feeding us advice on how to take care of your family and how to properly latch a Tomahawk into a main artery of an undead cattle rancher.
There will be a small interval between the psychological and biological parts in this act to avoid any conflicting emotions. This interval will treat the audience members to 9 minutes of gunfire and chewing tobacco being spat on the remaining live audience members in the front row.
Act 6 – Sam Fisher (Tech Segment)
At the helm of lighting control, we’re proud to present Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell series.
This “tech” segment of the production shall feature Sam Fisher at work; showcasing his mastery of lighting.
Absolutely no lights will be lit, with audience members not able to even see their own hands in front of their eyes.
This 15 minutes portion of the show will be accompanied by a few lucky audience members being beaten up in the darkness.
Act 7 – Hitman
With the pace coming to a screeching halt with Sam Fisher and his lighting wizardry, we would like to keep this pace for just one more act.
Agent 47 will fool us by never even appearing on stage.
A lonesome spot light on center stage with 47 sitting among the audience, never being spotted. A great segment for those of you who seek mystery without any resolve. He’s among you, there’s not a single doubt about that.
Act 8 – Kane and Lynch (Gritty / Adult Segment)
We would like to end the evening with copious amounts of swearing and shouting brought to you by none other than Kane and Lynch.
Most of the audience that were lulled into deep slumber by the previous two acts will find themselves awoken by these two ruffians.
Expect machinegun fire after exactly seventeen and a half minutes of swearing.
Spoiler: If one or both of them survives this ordeal, they will continue to off themselves, leaving the audience with the appropriate amount of shock and awe.
Sam Gideon From Vanquish
Making proper use of the Augmented Reaction Suit; audience members will be treated once or twice per act by Sam knee-sliding from side to side at the back of the stage.
Rudely interrupting acts will keep the audience guessing the time of his next appearance.
Ethan Thomas From Condemned
Gazing over at the center isle at any stage during performances, audience members will be greeted by the bloodshot eyes of Ethan Thomas. To anyone not looking at the stage at all time, enjoying themselves or wanting a bathroom break, Ethan will quickly nudge you back to your seat by a 2 x 4.
Anyone conversing on their cell phones will be greeted by Ethan’s bandage-covered fists. Expect to wake up in the nearest convenient gutter.
Master Of Ceremonies – GlaDOS
There will be very little doubt about the announcer of tonight’s various performances. Let us all thank and appreciate the condescending demeanor of the evening’s Master of Cermonies – GlaDOS.
She will see to any and all arrangements to have you all trapped in the nearest testing facility after the show.