Kitchen Utensils And Toasters To Have Always-On Internet
We have all witnessed the controversy and heated debates surrounding the new Xbox’s Always-Online rumors and some people have even gotten fired over it. We have all dealt with it in our own way, but the general consensus is that everybody and their cat’s great grandfather thinks that Always-Online is a terrible, horrible, disgusting idea. What we do not know is that some people think that Always-Online is God’s gift to man and women, even ousting some of the most attractive patrons of nightclubs. A specific sub-sector has taken a great interest in this technology and it’s not what you would expect. Yes, now your spoons and toasters will be required to have internet at all times. This might make Always-Online internet not so bad.
A new kitchenware corporation with the name of WiFiSpoons Ltd. has taken great interest in this technology and they aim to further improve our shallow kitchen usages with better, more improved technology. They have integrated a brand new cutting-edge technology into normal everyday utensils and devices to make your meager living much more extravagant. What they have achieved is nothing short of mind blasting. They have created a tiny microchip capable of fitting into any device they want that can send and receive data over the internet. You may be excused if you just had an accident in your pants because I sure did.
- You’ll Be Able To Play (Expensive) PS2 Games On Your PS4 Now | 2 months ago
- Jessica Jones Disempowers Its Male Characters And The Effect Is Refreshing | 2 months ago
- Hell Is 30 000 Deathclaws Tearing Through Boston And It’s Glorious | 2 months ago
- Sony Santa Monica Is Teasing Something Truly Strange | 2 months ago
Their first groundbreaking invention is an internet capable spoon that you can use to post updates to your social networks about what you are eating at that time. It uses intricate detection software to determine if there is Corn Flakes or mince meat in your bowl. It can also take photos if you hold it on front of your food and post it to wherever you wish. “Better than Instagram” is the slogan for this groundbreaking invention. You will be required to have internet at all times at a specific spot in your house and if your internet disconnects for whatever reason, the spoon will turn into an unnamed substance that is heavier than Thor’s hammer. This will make it incapable of being used and the reason for this is stated by the company CEO, Richard Bellend: “If you don’t have internet then fuck you, go live in Africa.” Possibly the best literary sentence I’ve read since Hamlet.
That’s not their only offering, however, and they also have a top of the line toaster available. This toaster will be able to play music that has been exclusively made by Exclusively Exclusive Studios for your exclusive use. It can also download updates to further enhance its already orgasmic bread burning capabilities. Like their spoon, the Toaster 9003 has to be connected to the internet at all times. If it disconnects then a loud siren will go off and Justin Bieber will be screaming the phrase “You have to move!” over and over until it is connected again. It also generates plastic toast that flies out of it with the words “Go live in Africa- CEO” engraved into it.
That’s just a sampling of the various devices that will be made available to us and all they require is a permanent connection of at least 5 Gbps. Not much to ask for nowadays seeing as every country in the entire world and even the moon has an extremely high speed internet infrastructure. Excluding those filthy Africans, but we don’t talk about them anymore. Other products include an electricity-less vacuum cleaner that runs only on 4chan posts, a ladle that downloads all the latest episodes of Game of Thrones, a fork that can correctly guess what you’re going to eat the next day and a mixer that can play every episode of Epic Meal Time.
So expect our lives to be forever changed for the better and be ready to embrace the technological age. At this very moment I’m sampling one of the company’s latest inventions which is a straw that can read me poetry. If it disconnects from the internet it explodes with the same force as a pipe bomb, but I don’t need to worry about th—–