5 Unseen Phenomena In Games
Games these days have broad ideas to play with. They can be linear shooters or have worlds the size of Uganda, without the charm. Literally anything is possible in the magical world of games. There can be entire towns full of unique people or an entire galaxy that’s looking to you for answers. With infinite possibilities, you have to sometimes wonder what goes on behind the scenes of your favourite games. What happens when you walk away out of sight? Is everything lost in some sort of singularity only to return if you go there again or does life go on within the confines of that play area? Are there little gaming characters that roam the empty fields of your destruction?
I’m here to tell you that there are! And I’m going to expose what goes on behind the scenes of games.
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1.The Cleanup Crew
Have you ever mowed down hundreds of foreigners in modern war shooters and actually looked at all the corpses just lying around? These corpses can be in the middle of hallways or inside some diner in America. They can’t just lie there for years because the stench would make even the most hardcore WoW player gag, and just think of all the flies and maggots. So in every modern military shooter there is a crew of three guys. Their names are Julio, Fredrick and Bob. Their job is to go into these scenes of butchery and clean up after the careless military men that just leave thousands of rotting bodies on the floor.
Julio is in charge of putting them all in a wheelbarrow the size of a skip. He has said that he likes the intimacy of hugging all these unknown dead men and he even claims to hear them speak. He has been a little wonky since that one guy accidentally fell onto a generator and looked like he was doing the Harlem Shake. Occupational hazards are ever present for these unsung heroes. Frederick is the priest of the group and he says a few blessings, throws some tap water on the pile of corpses and throws a rose into the skip. Bob just sets fire to shit. He is a convicted pyromaniac and they thought it was best to put his skills use in something more constructive. They repeat these steps every day for every shooting maniac that leaves the population of a small island on the floor.
There is also a subdivision in an alternate dimension where a gentleman by the name of Jesús (you know, the Mexican one) teleports corpses into a giant abyss of toilet spray. When you see corpses just disappear in front of your eyes, know that Jesús has gotten a little ahead of himself. He is an excellent worker after all.
2. Helicopter Pilots
Do you even know how long it takes to get a helicopter licence, let alone know how to operate an attack helicopter? These guys had to write countless theory tests and have to know everything there can possibly be known about a helicopter, from its wheels to its rotors. They had to endure months of simulations and practice flights and hardly get any free time or rest. They have become detached from their families from being too overworked and their kids don’t even remember their name. They had to endure constant drilling and military practice and work extra hard to get into the aviation division. The have to be trained for years and years to finally be able to operate weaponry on a helicopter.
Then on their first mission, all bright eyed and willing to prove something, they get shot down within minutes by some jackass with a missile launcher. A tragic waste of potential. Let’s all have a line of silence for these brave men that have been killed in their prime.
3. Victims Of Random Theft
Countless JRPG’s give you the ability to just randomly walk into someone’s house and smash their pots and take their stuff that they have placed inside a chest. The sheer audacity of characters just waltzing into someone’s space and doing what they please is enough to make anyone sick to their stomach. What you don’t realise is that these inhabitants are all under a spell when you enter their domain and remain clueless of your activities until you leave. It’s unknown why this phenomenon happens, but it just does. Many scholars believe that it’s a byproduct of that one time when Cloud and Squall had an angst off. The effects were so dire that they can still be witnessed today, especially in lightning.
What you also didn’t realise is that you are severely impacting the lives of the inhabitants that occupy that recently looted house. You would think that green herb is worthless and barely worth the effort to pick up, but you would be wrong. That specific green herb was a special collector’s GreenHerb that’s worth thousands. It might look like a normal green herb to you, but there are slight mutations on the leafs that can only be found in 0.000314% of green herbs. That “worthless” green herb from a chest was actually the family’s last hope of survival. They were going to sell it to some aristocratic collector for thousands that they could have used to afford treatment for their little girl and be able to buy a new house where the rats wouldn’t eat their toes.
After your “valiant” departure from the village they realise the herb is missing and panic. They can’t even afford basic necessities because the man of the house was recently fired from the pottery shop. Now they are forced to live on the streets in the bitter cold and lose their little girl. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
4. Wormholes In Empty Rooms
Ever played a shooter where enemies just came at you and never seemed to stop? After killing countless enemies and making Jesús mad as hell, you move one step forward and the insurmountable horde just suddenly stops coming. Your curiosity probably gets the better of you and you check out where this division of Rommel’s army kept coming out of, only to find nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just a door to a room with four concrete walls and a whole lot of jack shit. You then find yourself wondering how around 50 dudes manage to fit into that small space without reenacting a scene from a gay cruise ship. You scratch your head and move on. Little did you know that there was a wormhole in that little room.
A wormhole leading to a massive sentient being that’s giving birth to adult soldiers with weapons and all. During their 30 second Matrix style training, they get bombardment by propaganda such as Hitler being being painted as a naked angle for World War 2 shooters and re-runs of Honey Boo Boo for the America hating modern shooters. When they get plopped out of the moist… assembly line, they will fight to the death for what they believe in. The reason for this wormhole disappearing after you move a few steps is that the sentient soldier queen can be destroyed by the simple phrase “What the fuck?” which is a certainty at this point. She then closes the wormhole to protect herself to fight for another day when another mediocre shooter gets released.
5. Demons Are Actually Pretty Chill
A lot of games love to spawn demons from the depths of hell to try and take you out as brutally as possible. Their preferred method of intrusion is by portal and sometimes from the ground for dramatic effect. What you did not know is that these horrible disfigured demons are actually the most peaceful dudes you will ever meet. In their home of Hell all they do all day is watch Big Bang Theory and Breaking Bad while lighting up some Demonic Grass. They would lounge around for hours talking about the legalization of DG because apparently Satan is a square and doesn’t like people to be mellow. Satan also likes to think of himself as a sort of Kim Jong-Un and he will send these peace loving dudes to the hell that is Earth to fight some emo-looking guy in a red coat.
These demons don’t intend any harm and would just like to talk to fella and straighten out some problems, but as soon as they pop up they get shot with bullets for no apparent reason. They then go into a blood rage because Satan implanted them with the same re-runs of Honey Boo Boo as the soldier queen when they are subjected to any bodily harm. A tragic story for these peace loving race of monstrosities that just wanted to relax on a bean bag and order an unreasonable amount of Hell Pizza. Which, granted, is delicious because it’s made by Gordon Ramsey on his night shift.
There are a lot of things that we do not know about within our games and it’s sometimes better to not discover them. There are many things happening behind the scenes that we would never notice. In all seriousness though (I don’t think there’s any left) I just thought you lovely people needed a chuckle today. Now go do those pie charts/homework assignments/rituals/secretaries with a smile on your face.