If Videogame Characters Had Real Jobs
Ever wonder what a character in a game would be doing if they were not doing some sort of Earth saving task? Well, I have. These random things pop into my head all the time as I’m playing my games. Most of these things are strange and would make a normal person question their sanity, but I have asked myself stuff such as, “when do they find the time to go take a leak,” or, “they haven’t slept in days, should I trust their judgement?” and various other weird things.
Game characters always have these massive burdens thrown onto their shoulders and they are always expected to do the right thing and make everything okay again, but what if they were just average Joes? Regular people working a 9 to 5, earning a pension and occasionally spend time with their family, or with themselves. Let’s look what our favourite heroes would have done if they put their specialities into some honest labour.
Commander Shepard – Politician
The man has a way with words. Nobody can deny that. Whether Shepard has to convince someone to do something or decide the fate of a much larger problem, he always knows exactly what to say. Count how many times Shepard was speechless during the entire Mass Effect trilogy and you would understand my point. What profession would a charismatic and convincing sweet-talker have?
A dirty, filthy politician that’s what. Shepard could use his tools of manipulation to get exactly what he wants. He can give speeches that would make Hitler shudder in his boots. He can convince the public to be on his side mere moments after talking to them. Of course he would first have to bang the entire White House.
The Prince – Window Cleaner
What would you do when you can run along walls and hang onto one ledge for an eternity? It’s pretty obvious that the Prince of Persia would be one excellent cleaner of windows with his constant disregard for his own life and his pathological apathy for amazing heights. He could make serious money off it too if he decides to put his acrobatic skills to use and make a show out of it for the lifeless people inside the massive skyscrapers that he would clean.
There are probably more extravagant professions that need someone who can back flip over poles and run along walls with almost no grip, but this one would probably be the most practical application. The Prince is one nimble guy so he can finish the Empire State Building in a few hours flat. That is if he doesn’t spill soap on his boots and fall to his death. Even then he just has to collect some sand on the way down and he would be fine.
Geralt The White – Gigolo
Throughout the entire Witcher series Geralt could potentially get any woman he wanted without trying. I don’t know if a white ponytail and a massive scar gets the ladies revved up, but Geralt always manages to have delicious coitus with every female he meets. This skill can be used to enter the oldest profession known to man and that is to sell his body. The man doesn’t get tired of it at all and can go for days without taking a break. Quite the lucrative opportunity if you ask me.
Geralt has a way with the ladies and I believe that if he stands on a street corner saying “hey” in that musky deep voice of his, he would be earning the dough so fast he wouldn’t know what to do with it. Other than buy hundreds of grapeshots.
Marcus Fenix – Bike Mechanic
Just look at the dude. He looks like he can lift a short bus filled with obese American children without breaking a sweat. He also looks like he can grow a killer handlebar moustache and start listening to Motorhead. That’s what makes him ideal for the wonderful world of fixing bikes. He is so buff that he can just pick up the things and start ripping out parts with his bare hands. He also has the body to don one killer looking leather jacket with badges ranging from “I have a chainsaw gun in my pants” to “I heart Dom” and so forth.
Who knows, he might get a hit TV show on Discovery Channel (or more recently, History Channel because building stuff is history now) and get a son that he can shout and throw midgets at.
Isaac Clarke – Engineer
You know, do the thing that he trained for years to do? Throughout the entire Dead Space series, poor Isaac had to use his cutting tools to cut off the limbs of random people on a ship and use his engineering degree to fix some elevators and nothing else. The poor man had to go through years of college and copious amounts of studying just to get where he was.
Engineers have it rough in the future it seems. Especially when there’s a bunch of psychos running around with knives for arms. I think Isaac would much rather like to cut off a pipe on a ship than have to go through blood covered hallways and shoot people in the face with a tool that was designed to cut pieces of metal.
There are tons more game characters out there and this feature only scratched the surface. What profession do you think some of your favourite characters would be suited for? Come on, show me some creativity.