9 Video Game Characters And Their Family Portraits
We all know the blinding, gleaming flash encapsulating that precise moment on film. Memory cards are the new film. Whether you’re sneezing or winking the camera feels no regret; it continues as it’s being told, and a picture is imprinted onto its memory. No matter how plain, how energetic or abstract the landscape in front of the camera is, it will capture the imagery when it’s told to do so.
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Some of us love photos, jumping up and down from pure enthusiasm, while the other bunch of us cower underneath the nearest piece of furniture or perhaps in some cases, the nearest stripper. After you’re beat up by the stripper’s bodyguard, you’ll walk over to the cameraman and return the favour you’ve learned from the aforementioned bodyguard.
Another example I can use in terms of photographs are the ones hanging in peoples homes. Most of the time, it is of the people who lives there and you’ll find some of where they’re on a beach chilling in the blazing sun. Other times you’ll find a few black and white ones from previous generations. Everyone standing in a unfriendly trance, waiting to go out and chew on some infants. I really do find the old photos to be rather unnerving in some cases. Usually there is always a freaky-ass aunt staring at you with white-hot hatred or revulsion, and the best of all is that you don’t even know this woman. Photos can be filled with happy times, or quite frankly, photoshopped ghosts.
We see a bunch screenshots, stills and wallpapers of our favourite gaming character while they’re busy punching someone or just standing there to look cool. Have you ever wondered what your favourite gaming dude or girl looks like in their family photos? Maybe it’s just a normal photo; we’ll never know.
Let’s take a look at these gaming folk and how their photos may look like one day.
Resident Evil 5’s Chris Redfield
If you haven’t played Resident Evil 5 or you haven’t seen a picture of Chris Redfield in that game, please watch a gameplay video where he’s punching a Majini’s head into pieces or search for a picture of his biceps. I’m pretty sure you won’t find any family portraits. You’ll, however, find a plethora of pictures of him working out and injecting himself with illegal-grade steroids. Maybe a still or two where he features in an 8mm pornographic movie. We don’t know what he did before he took up zombie killing.
Gears of War’s Marcus Fenix
Throughout the Gears of War series, there is mention and perhaps a sight or two of Marcus’ father, and the planet of Sera were intact at some stage, so I definitely think that he’ll have a family photo lying about somewhere. He’ll maybe have one where he chills with a girlfriend in a local drive-in cinema. However, we know him as the gruff and tough, constantly angry, armoured bad-ass. My first idea of a family photo will not have him in the foreground, but rather running full speed in the background with a revved-up Lancer, screaming at the top of his lungs while chasing a fly that looked at him funny. All of this while his possible startled family stares into the camera as if nothing is wrong or at least pretending to do so.
Prince of Persia’s Prince
It’s no secret. The Prince is always in the middle of some kind of catastrophe. If he’s not running about the place with 60 minutes to save a princess, he’s running around while buildings are crumbling to the ground around him or a Dahaka is chasing him, he’ll probably clean windows. Every love interest he has gets killed or captured somehow, so the actuality of a family and children are rather minor. Two possibilities for a family photo, or in this case, lonesome photo are either him climbing a building consisting purely out of windows or a city caught in some kind of ancient catastrophe with a little blimp jumping across the rooftops.
Max Payne 3’s Max Payne
Not everyone liked Max Payne 3 and whether you liked it or not, that is not important here. What is important however is his photo. Surely, there will be no woman of a romantic nature, but rather a fresh bloodstain. Woman does not have the best of luck around Max Payne. He’ll either be seen popping copious amounts of painkillers or hurtling through the air in a vertical, lying on his side on the beach-like pose. A lot of gunfire will be seen in the background alongside his mouth being open due to his constant narration.
Hitman’s Agent 47
This one is much more difficult. He can be anyone. Take a photo of the nearest intersection, and I bet you won’t see him, until he’s either emptying both of his Silverballers into the crowd, hoping to eventually hit his mark, or when he’s garroting the nearest transvestite.
Splinter Cell’s Sam Fisher
I’m referring to the more old-school, Chaos Theory Sam Fisher. You may not be able to see him, but he’s there, alright.
Catherine’s Vincent Brooks
Catherine is one of those games that too few people had the pleasure of playing. It’s about a bloke trapped in a nightmarish love triangle and as if that weren’t enough, he also has to deal with real life-threatening nightmares. I imagine his family portrait or anything even remotely taken with a camera to be him standing between Catherine and Katherine, while sweating like an anxious human waterfall. Constantly sweating.
The Testament of Sherlock Holmes’ Sherlock Holmes
While the game(s) may not appeal to everyone, one can however speculate about his family portrait. I do not see him as a family man, but if he does however settle down and marry a splendid young lady, I still do not see him partake in the actual taking of the photos. He’ll either be searching for something his newlywed wife has lost in the past minute or perhaps ogling the other members in the photo with suspicion and deducting their true intentions. Be it sniffing, licking or inspecting the closest object of interest, he’ll be doing just that. Expect Watson to be standing with his hands against his face, mumbling out of pure hopelessness.
Far Cry 3’s Jason Brody
The game starts with you watching a video about your vacation activities, so there’s already quite a few photos to choose from. It may not be a serious family photo, but hey, there’s definitely family among those couple of vacationers, however briefly. Jason’s photo can be quite varied in terms of the events that we see him partake in. Think of a lovely postcard portraying the very Rook Islands the game takes place in, but in the distance you’ll see a young man shooting local wildlife with a .50 caliber sniper rifle after which he skins the animal and crafts a lovely bandolier on the spot from the still warm animal’s skin. Perhaps he’ll be running around with seven syringes hanging from his wrists with 3 heavy armoured mercenaries in pursuit. Maybe he gets eaten by a crocodile? For all we know, he may be searching for medicinal herbs while having sex with a resplendently looking local tribal leader. The possibilities are endless for Jason Brody.
I have to admit that none of these candidates did however provide a legit photo while standing with his or her family. It would’ve been rather boring if that were indeed the case. Share with us your favourite gaming character family photos and stories.